The Balance of Relationships: A Male Perspective

The Balance of Relationships: A Male Perspective

            Growing up I have never seen a successful relationship. My mother got married, then divorced. My grandmother on my mother’s side divorced my grandfather, remarried, then ended up divorcing my “step” grandfather, is that a thing? My grandmother on my father’s side lived with a man all of my life. At no point in my life have I ever seen them be affectionate, or intimate, hell they were at the most cordial. They slept in separate rooms, she cooked and maintained the household, while he hung out, came home and ate. Even as a child I felt like their existence was miserable. If love conquers all, what was wrong with all of the relationships those in my immediate vicinity were involved in?

            My family was one thing, but even further outside of my immediate circle things were worse. My friends’ parents were divorced, abused, neglected, dealing with infidelity, and abandoning their relationships like hurricane victims preemptively fleeing from their homes. The only successful relationships I saw were on TV. Bill and Claire Huxtable are probably the best example of all time of an awesome relationship. They were both successful in their careers so they didn’t have any financial issues, they remained physically involved and attracted to one another, they loved their children, and when issues arose they found creative, innovative, and dope ways to work through their issues. Both Cliff and Claire would admit when they were wrong, accept the consequences of their actions, and continue to love one another for another day, another episode for multiple seasons. All of the TV couples worked their issues out in this way, Martin and Gina, Al and Peggy, Roseanne and Dan, Phillip and Vivian, and all in a span of 22 minutes minus commercial breaks. If these couples could figure it out, or the writers/creators of the show had it figured out, why isn’t life imitating art like it normally does?

            So many questions, but not many answers at all…until I was old enough to start having relationships of my own. If marriage is the pinnacle of a successful relationship then I guess all of mine have been failures. But with each failure there was a lesson, and with each lesson I learned a little more about myself and my perspective on relationships. Some may see a relationship as a joyous event, while others can see them as a burden. My outlook is a little different, as I see relationships as a constant balancing act. I am mainly focusing on romantic relationships, but my outlook applies to family, friends, co-workers, colleagues etc. In order for you to understand my interpretation of how successful relationships work, I need you visualize the following:

            You’re standing barefoot on a 2 inch thick steel tightrope. The tightrope is suspended 1000 feet in the air; a fall from this height will guarantee death. Your arms are stretched to your sides with the palms of your hands are facing the sky. Your fingers are fully spread apart, and on all of the tips of each finger sits a 10 foot pole. At the top of each pole is a priceless fine China plate, each plate is spinning at varying speeds. These plates represent the different aspects of the relationship. Things like finances, affection, time, sex, employment, children, and any other items that are important you, or more importantly, important to your significant other. The job of those involved in the relationship is to balance these items, while constantly moving forward, barefoot, on the steel tightrope. Lose your balance in any way and you suffer losses, these losses can be significant too. A breaking of a plate can represent a discussion, a fight, or a break up. Even if the plate is repaired, replaced, or recovered, think about how much time it will take to get it set back up. Think about how strong you have to be in order to maintain this set up. Think about how long you would be willing to maintain this type of balance. Think about the level of dedication needed to get skilled enough to handle this for a few seconds, minutes, hours, months, and eventually years. With all of those things to think about, ask yourself are you able to do it? Is your significant other even worth it? Why am I doing all of this? Is the same amount of effort being reciprocated? Can I do this for the rest of my life? If the answer is no to any of these thoughts or questions, then you are not ready for what Cliff and Claire had. But guess what? There’s nothing wrong with that.

            I truly believe most of the time relationships aren’t successful because of the pressures we place on ourselves. You hear the saying “no one is perfect” all of the time, but although people say it, their actions would tell you that they don’t believe it. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with striving for greatness or even what you define as perfection, but you have to realize that if it doesn’t work out exactly how you want it to, that does not mean you have failed. I am not advising anyone not to try, but I am asking you to keep it 100 with yourself. If you don’t have the energy, knowledge, balance, drive, or determination to be the person described on the balance beam earlier, then don’t subject yourself to that level of commitment. Be honest, be single, and be happy. You don’t owe anyone anything, but if you get involved then their expectations for you will change and they will be looking for you up on the tightrope. If you’re not ready for that, then don’t even look at the tightrope. Now for those who choose not to keep it real with themselves and continue to half heartedly walk that tightrope, you are doomed to fail every single time. Take time to find your own balance before embarking on achieving it with others. For those who choose to reach this level of commitment, then cheat on their significant others your balancing situation has now changed. For those currently on the tightrope and practicing infidelity, you now have 2 foot poles on the top of each foot. On the top of those 2 foot poles you have fine China saucers spinning at varying speeds. These saucers represent the feelings, values, expectations, finances etc of your side person. If you couldn’t handle the original feat, how do you think that show will end? Ask Kevin Hart, Carmelo Anthony, Nelly, Tiger Woods, Ben Affleck, and the countless other celebrities that have been caught up losing their balance. They couldn’t do it, and their rich, so financial issues weren’t even a factor in their show. What will we do with our extra regular income having selves?

            This is a random relationship rant written to express my views, outlook, and opinions on relationships. In no way am I trying to discourage anyone from finding true love. I am also not encouraging anyone to jump out of the window for love either. This was a cautionary read, just asking you to be real with yourself, so you can give the best YOU to others. Please like, comment, and share. I would love to see what others think and their views/perspectives on relationships.